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GOT CLEAN JOKES...add them here!! (MODERATED) If you have a good clean joke to share with us, please add them here, instead of pirating another persons thread. This is a MODERATED forum.

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  #1  
Old 04-05-2018
iamflagman's Avatar
iamflagman iamflagman is offline
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Posts: 11,506
Default When Irish eyes are smiling

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking
up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

----------------------------------------------

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

----------------------------------------

Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the
traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?'

-----------------------------------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

------------------------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine
bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

----------------------------------------


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

----------------------------------------------

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body
swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a
full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?
‘Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly,it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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  #2  
Old 04-05-2018
lcondosta lcondosta is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Holden Beach
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John . Glad to see you YOU ARE BACK.
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Holden Beach, NC
2001 Navigator / Sold 85 PT 40
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