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GOT CLEAN JOKES...add them here!! (MODERATED) If you have a good clean joke to share with us, please add them here, instead of pirating another persons thread. This is a MODERATED forum.

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  #1  
Old 07-03-2015
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Bluebird Bob Bluebird Bob is offline
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Default Bad jokes but phunny

Courtesy of Mike P....
. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
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  #2  
Old 07-04-2015
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Great - just great
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Old 07-05-2015
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Default Extra Charges!

A lady was driving to town by a lake when a duck appeared walking across the road. She it her brakes and swerved trying to miss it and screeched to a halt. She was heartbroken to see the duck lying in the road like the proverbial "dead duck". Thinking there was still a chance she carefully picked up the duck and raced to the closest vets office. She phoned ahead so the vet was waiting in the operating room for her arrival. The vet looked closely at the limp duck and shook his head and told her it was too late. Undaunted by the vets diagnosis she said "I don't believe there is no hope" so the vet leaves the room and comes back with a Black Labrador that slowly sniffs the duck and looks the it over then shakes its' head. He then trots the dog out and comes back with a Siamese cat that immediately walks around the table eyeing the duck closely. The cat also shakes its' head so the vet tells her "there is no hope , its over." She leaves the vets office very upset and goes home.
In a week she gets a bill from the vet for over $1000.00 and calls his office very upset. She said it was just way too much for nothing but a look at the poor creature ! The doctor replied "you are correct". had you believed me the cost would have been a small amount but the extra Lab Report and the Cat Scan charges add up fast!
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Old 07-05-2015
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I screwed up again!
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  #5  
Old 08-20-2015
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Default Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the Chicken Surprise.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.
Good grief, did you see that she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
Please sir, says the waiter, what you order?
The husband replies, Chicken Surprise.

Ah! so sorry, says the waiter, I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake.

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  #6  
Old 08-22-2015
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Ah so...
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